Obituary for Bettisia Woolf, Post Birth Abortion Advocate

The radical feminist world is weeping. Bettisia Woolf, tireless advocate of woman's rights (at the expense of all others) died last Monday. She is survived by her two children, Agamemnon and Carrie Nation and her ex husband, Casper Whipped.

Ms. Woolf's involvement in woman's rights began at an early age, as evidenced by the (now famous) photo shot at a Roe vs Wade rally where she and her mother (Sunshine Biscuit) wore matching mother daughter t-shirts imprinted with the words “victim” and “unwanted consequence.”

Bettisia had her first known abortion at the age of 14 to rid her of some embarrassing unwanted tissue that would ruin her life.
She had others in high school and college. During her senior year at Santa Cruz she met Casper Whipped. They married and she subsequently became pregnant. Since the unplanned baby would have been born during finals, (very inconvenient) she had yet another abortion.

After graduation she and Mr. Whipped (whose last name she never took) had two children, Agamemnon and Carrie Nation Whipped.

It was after her divorce and during her children's teen years that Ms. Woolf discovered a passion for Post Birth Abortions. Becoming increasingly frustrated at Ag and Carrie's disrespect and general bratiness, Ms. Woolf made the logical leap from pre birth to post birth abortion advocacy.

She maintained that all the reasons a woman aborts before her baby is born are just as valid, perhaps even more so as the children grow.

Ag, at 14 and going through a goth phase, refused to pose for a poster that pointed out the similarities between his physical appearance and that of a fetus.

Carrie, failed to embrace her mother's feminist zeal and was a constant source of embarrassment.

Ms. Woolf, seeking solace from her predicament, visited with an old college friend, and while the two of them commiserated about the lack of obedience and respect in their children, the universe sparked and a movement was formed. “Legalized Post Birth Abortions” returned the balance of power away from the teens and back to Ms. Woolf, where she felt it belonged.

If Ag didn't clean his room, he could be aborted later that afternoon.

If Carrie asked for too many expensive items, or sassed, she was an inconvenience. Ms. Woolf could, if she desired, schedule a post birth abortion as soon as the hospital had an opening.

Finally, Ms. Woolf held all the power again. And life was perfect.

Sadly, it all fell apart when her children joined forces with her ex husband, Mr. Whipped, the founding member of "Ex Husband's SPA," (sick of paying alimony.) They created Euthanasia for Demented Feminists (EDF) and hired Dr. Jack Kervorkian to euthanize Ms. Woolf Monday, as she sat in her Prius at a stop light.

Monetary donations to the family will be gratefully accepted. Any one who sends flowers will be hunted down and stoned by PET-P (people for the ethical treatment of plants.)