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#1 User is offline   MTP Reggie 

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Posted 26 March 2019 - 08:26 AM

Army reveals the only way to become a Chief Warrant Officer 5 is to kill a Chief Warrant Officer 5
Published 9 months ago on July 3, 2018
By As For Class
DuffelBlog

<More Laughs Here>

NEW YORK Newly-uncovered documents show the reason that Chief Warrant Officer 5s are so rare in the Army: you must kill one to become one.

Unlike other military officer ranks, Warrant Officers must endure levels of bureaucracy involving rings, incantations, cloaks, and the wielding of weapons made from the horns of unicorns, according to an extensive Duffel Blog investigation.

According to sources, there is one lone Chief Warrant Officer 5 that is actually in charge of the Army, although his name is not legible whenever it is written down. Pentagon documents show it is bound by a spell that is still classified by the Council of Warrants, a group of Chief Warrant Officer 5s representing the variety of elements known in our universe. Examples included the Element of Sham, Invisibility, and also the Element of Surprise, which Warrants master at a young age.

Most alarming, sources say, is the practice of killing older Chief Warrant Officer 5s by the younger Chief Warrant Officer 4s. First, a Warrant Officer must achieve the classified rank of Level 56 Soul Deceiver, coinciding with the age of the young officer.

The ceremony is held in secret, within the walls of the 100th basement of The Hexagon, a building much like The Pentagon, but only for Warrant Officers. The older Warrants are given the opportunity to defend themselves, and many do so successfully, adding to their mystique and suggesting that most Chief Warrant Officer-5s are hundreds of years old.

Once a victor is made evident, the Chief Warrant Officer 5 is given a new name in order to add to his ability to remain invisible to the pesky bureaucrats in the rest of the DoD, some of which do not believe that Chief Warrant Officer 5s even exist.

The revelation was found through documents provided through a Freedom of Information Act request. Also included in the documents were the secret handshakes that Warrant Officers have (which include no direct human contact), and the swear words they are authorized toward General Officers.

The most inappropriate words were multi-syllable, as Warrant Officer 5s are very well educated.

(snip)

<More Laughs Here>
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#2 User is online   Dean Adam Smithee 

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Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:09 PM

Didn't know there still WERE CWOs. At least in the Navy, way back in my day they were talking about phasing it out via 'attrition' - not making any new ones, and just not filling positions as existing ones retired.... and that's been 35 years ago. And in my 6 years (78-84), I never actually met a WO/CWO.

Assuming they actually DID do away with it in the Navy, highest non-officer rank is "Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy". A very rare rank... Like W5, only ever ONE at a time. And for protocol purposes, gets the same billet and courtesies as Vice Admiral.

In my day (Don't know how far it got) WO/CWO was supposed to be phased out in favor of LDO (Limited Duty Officer); Same paygrade and rank as regular officers (O-2,O-3,O-4 etc) but with the stipulation that you were "staff" rather than "line" officers (My memory is hazy, I THINK that was how they put it); you were technical specialists but NOT in the chain-of-command... essentially the same concept as WO.

My brother was an LDO, he went from E-6 to O-2. Not sure what it took for him to get there. I only ever made it to E-5 myself.
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#3 User is offline   MTP Reggie 

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Posted 26 March 2019 - 05:15 PM

View PostDean Adam Smithee, on 26 March 2019 - 05:09 PM, said:

Didn't know there still WERE CWOs.



It's a major rank in the Army. Most Army pilots are Warrants (including me).
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#4 User is offline   mazing_lilman 

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Posted 27 March 2019 - 11:37 PM

know how to confuse or disable a warrant officer, especially a CW2 or higher?

hide their coffee cup

kidding!




sort of.....
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#5 User is offline   ASE 

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Posted 28 March 2019 - 03:06 PM

Know how to seriously tick-off a CW2 or higher?


WASH their coffee cup!
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#6 User is offline   MTP Reggie 

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Posted 28 March 2019 - 03:08 PM

View PostASE, on 28 March 2019 - 03:06 PM, said:

Know how to seriously tick-off a CW2 or higher?


WASH their coffee cup!


Do you want me to come over and clean your grill?
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#7 User is offline   ASE 

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 01:00 PM

View PostMTP Reggie, on 28 March 2019 - 03:08 PM, said:

Do you want me to come over and clean your grill?

I was told of a young 3rd Class Petty Officer who was assigned Steward duty that was trying to demonstrate his high-level of motivation by washing all the coffee cups hanging in the 'Goat Locker' (Chief's Mess) onboard a U.S. Navy Ship. BIG MISTAKE! He was immediately removed, and there was talk of throwing his arse overboard.

I assume CWO2's would be of similar mind in the same situation.

This post has been edited by ASE: 29 March 2019 - 01:00 PM

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#8 User is offline   MTP Reggie 

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 01:27 PM

View PostASE, on 29 March 2019 - 01:00 PM, said:

I was told of a young 3rd Class Petty Officer who was assigned Steward duty that was trying to demonstrate his high-level of motivation by washing all the coffee cups hanging in the 'Goat Locker' (Chief's Mess) onboard a U.S. Navy Ship. BIG MISTAKE! He was immediately removed, and there was talk of throwing his arse overboard.

I assume CWO2's would be of similar mind in the same situation.


God help you if you mess with a CW4 or CW5 coffee cup...
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#9 User is offline   MTP Reggie 

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 01:37 PM

View PostASE, on 29 March 2019 - 01:00 PM, said:

I was told of a young 3rd Class Petty Officer who was assigned Steward duty that was trying to demonstrate his high-level of motivation by washing all the coffee cups hanging in the 'Goat Locker' (Chief's Mess) onboard a U.S. Navy Ship. BIG MISTAKE! He was immediately removed, and there was talk of throwing his arse overboard.

I assume CWO2's would be of similar mind in the same situation.


By the way...

You say "Goat Locker" for the Navy Warrants. In the Army, it's the "W.O.L.F. Pack".

Warrant Officer Liberation Front
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#10 User is online   Dean Adam Smithee 

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 02:42 PM

View PostMTP Reggie, on 29 March 2019 - 01:37 PM, said:

By the way...

You say "Goat Locker" for the Navy Warrants. In the Army, it's the "W.O.L.F. Pack".

Warrant Officer Liberation Front


Goat Locker for Navy CPOs not Warrants.
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#11 User is offline   ASE 

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 02:43 PM

View PostMTP Reggie, on 29 March 2019 - 01:37 PM, said:

By the way...

You say "Goat Locker" for the Navy Warrants. In the Army, it's the "W.O.L.F. Pack".

Warrant Officer Liberation Front

Actually the 'Goat Locker' is for Navy Chiefs (E7, E8 & E9). Don't know where the CW2 and above hang their cups/hats, wardroom maybe. The ooooold navy had Chiefs with beards, so the term goats or old-goats was used. Plus the Navy mascot was a goat. I was a 'jarhead' and only had limited exposure to the 'briny boys' thank goodness, so some of my 'sea stories' may be a tad off. If I had to choose a pet, though, I'd feel much better having an English bulldog than a goat any day.

This post has been edited by ASE: 29 March 2019 - 02:46 PM

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