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Master Sgt. beats discrimination charge by proving he hates everyone equally Rate Topic: -----

#1 User is offline   MTP Reggie 

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Posted 01 February 2020 - 09:55 AM

Master Sgt. beats discrimination charge by proving he hates everyone equally
by CharlieMike
3 months ago
Duffel Blog

<More Chuckles Here (NO This Is Not The Babylon Bee; YES This Is Still Meant To Be Satire)>

FORT IRWIN, California — Army Master Sgt. Matthew Lowe made history today after clearing his name in a landmark discrimination case with an unlikely defense—he hates everyone equally.

"Am I happy?" asked Lowe when responding to reporters. "Look, I regret that a soldier felt like they were being singled out, but I'm glad that we've clarified all the misunderstandings for that little turd."

Earlier this year, an E-6 in Lowe's unit had filed several complaints against the NCO for discriminatory behavior. Allegations ranged from repeatedly shouting to complete delinquent training, physically stalking the accuser to dental to confirm appointment, and intentionally assigning staff duty on the night of an Ariana Grande concert when non-refundable tickets had already been purchased. According to sources, Lowe was absolutely floored when the command informed him of the situation, and he was determined to prove his innocence.

"At first, I thought Lowe was being absurd when he claimed to hate everyone equally," said Army psychiatrist Lt. Col. Penny Cromwell. "I dismissed him, but on his way out, he approached a captain sitting in the waiting area and asked if there was a new regulation that allowed 'just officers to stick their goddammed hands in their pockets?' I immediately rushed over and urged him back into my office."

Cromwell agreed to assist in determining if, in fact, Lowe's behavior could be attributed to any existing biases or prejudices. Cromwell notified Lowe's chain of command and arranged for several follow-on appointments to assess Lowe. What followed, according to Cromwell, was a gauntlet of personality surveys, social experiments, and fact gathering from soldiers in Lowe's current and former units. The findings were groundbreaking.

"I couldn't believe it," said Cromwell. "What we discovered in Lowe was an extremely sophisticated and consistent level of hate that resulted not one whit from from ethnicity, gender, religion, or any other protected EO category. All of Lowe's hatred was proportionately scaled by the severity of a person's deficiencies in professional performance, military readiness, and grooming."

"In short, Lowe hates what the Army officially calls '<censored> bags,' and <censored> bags aren't a protected category."

(snip)

<More Chuckles Here (NO This Is Not The Babylon Bee; YES This Is Still Meant To Be Satire)>
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#2 User is online   Taggart Transcontinental 

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Posted 01 February 2020 - 10:36 AM

I had a similar ailment in the Army when I was there. I hated idiots who couldn't do their damn jobs, it's along the lines of this NCO But it was performance based not appearance (haircut etc) based. (I know this is satire, but a lot of troops get in trouble for holding people to a standard).
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#3 User is offline   Severian 

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Posted 01 February 2020 - 11:39 AM

View PostTaggart Transcontinental, on 01 February 2020 - 10:36 AM, said:

I had a similar ailment in the Army when I was there. I hated idiots who couldn't do their damn jobs, it's along the lines of this NCO But it was performance based not appearance (haircut etc) based. (I know this is satire, but a lot of troops get in trouble for holding people to a standard).

Remember Gunny Sgt Hartman in Full Metal Jacket. There is no racial bigotry in my corps, I do not look down on "long list of racial epithets" Here you are all equally worthless in my eyes.
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#4 User is offline   ASE 

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Posted 04 February 2020 - 12:10 AM

I am forced to agree with his treatment of the SSG 'd...e-bag'. What on Earth would a SSG need to be followed for in order to confirm he made his dental appt???. If the SSG is that un-reliable, why is he a d@mn SSG in the first d@mn place??? Seems more like PFC material (or lower), to me!!
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#5 User is offline   OilFieldGuy 

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Posted 04 February 2020 - 08:29 PM

View PostMTP Reggie, on 01 February 2020 - 09:55 AM, said:

Master Sgt. beats discrimination charge by proving he hates everyone equally
by CharlieMike
3 months ago
Duffel Blog

<More Chuckles Here (NO This Is Not The Babylon Bee; YES This Is Still Meant To Be Satire)>

FORT IRWIN, California — Army Master Sgt. Matthew Lowe made history today after clearing his name in a landmark discrimination case with an unlikely defense—he hates everyone equally.

"Am I happy?" asked Lowe when responding to reporters. "Look, I regret that a soldier felt like they were being singled out, but I'm glad that we've clarified all the misunderstandings for that little turd."

Earlier this year, an E-6 in Lowe's unit had filed several complaints against the NCO for discriminatory behavior. Allegations ranged from repeatedly shouting to complete delinquent training, physically stalking the accuser to dental to confirm appointment, and intentionally assigning staff duty on the night of an Ariana Grande concert when non-refundable tickets had already been purchased. According to sources, Lowe was absolutely floored when the command informed him of the situation, and he was determined to prove his innocence.

""he hates everyone equally.""

Ya gotta love that quote.


"At first, I thought Lowe was being absurd when he claimed to hate everyone equally," said Army psychiatrist Lt. Col. Penny Cromwell. "I dismissed him, but on his way out, he approached a captain sitting in the waiting area and asked if there was a new regulation that allowed 'just officers to stick their goddammed hands in their pockets?' I immediately rushed over and urged him back into my office."

Cromwell agreed to assist in determining if, in fact, Lowe's behavior could be attributed to any existing biases or prejudices. Cromwell notified Lowe's chain of command and arranged for several follow-on appointments to assess Lowe. What followed, according to Cromwell, was a gauntlet of personality surveys, social experiments, and fact gathering from soldiers in Lowe's current and former units. The findings were groundbreaking.

"I couldn't believe it," said Cromwell. "What we discovered in Lowe was an extremely sophisticated and consistent level of hate that resulted not one whit from from ethnicity, gender, religion, or any other protected EO category. All of Lowe's hatred was proportionately scaled by the severity of a person's deficiencies in professional performance, military readiness, and grooming."

"In short, Lowe hates what the Army officially calls '<censored> bags,' and <censored> bags aren't a protected category."

(snip)

<More Chuckles Here (NO This Is Not The Babylon Bee; YES This Is Still Meant To Be Satire)>

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