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Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Scientology Wedding Secrets
By Chip Hilton
Nov 15, 2006, 10:04


ROME - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will exchange mood rings during a Scientology wedding ceremony this weekend at Odescalchi Castle on Lake Bracciano, twenty miles from Rome.

According to a source inside the wedding party, the couple will merge their immortal thetans "for all eternity and beyond" in an Elite Ninth Level Transduction Ceremony (ENLTC), the most solemn and expensive Scientology wedding package available.

ENLTCs are seldom performed because of their cost and the demands they make on bride and groom. The last ENLTC was conducted in 2002 when Lisa Marie Presley married Nicholas Cage. Some idea of the rigorous preparation required by an ENLTC can be gotten from the fact that each of Ms. Presley's other three weddings was performed in a non-Scientology ceremony.

Bingodulla the Elder, the exalted high minister who joined the immortal thetans of Ms. Presley and Mr. Cage, will preside over the Cruise-Holmes transduction. Master Bingodulla is reputed to be 2,876 years old in Hubbard Years, the unit of time observed by Ninth Level Scientologists.


I love weddings--don't you? Especially insane ones or white trash weddings. I would love to be a fly on the wall in this one. It has all the makings of insanity. Oprah wasn't even invited--only scientology elite. And there was a Suri Cruise sighting as Tom was coming off his private jet. Suri needs some good Vitamin D. She needs sunlight. I'm happy she will be allowed to attend the wedding though she won't be far from her scientology handlers. After all, mom needs to be able to fly to Paris or shop at a moment's notice and dad needs to go to a soccer game or make out with mom in public to show how fantastically happy they are!

This one, should be, in Katie's (Kate--sorry, Tom! Forgot she was a child bearing woman now and had to be referred to as Kate!) own words,"It's just so amazingly awesome!" Poor Katie! This is the one day in her captivity that she cannot shop at Barney's. It is however, a perfect time to blow Tom's money on underwear. Thousands of dollars on crystal encrusted thongs and bras and one ostrich feathered silk robe. She will be so busy switching underwear she won't have time to consumate the marriage for a month. But, if I were Kaite, I would be shopping my ass off also to get away from the teeny little control freak he is.

And Katie does look incredible! Thank God she had a falling out with Posh and didn't take her up on her diet tips. Katie is going to be a gorgeous bride. Tom, well, let's just say he'll have his hairpiece on and his six inch lifts in his shoes. I wouldn't be surprised, if it possible to add to all that sweltering man beast that he is, he doesn't swim the Mediterranean Ocean, hop on a speedboat, ride a scooter saying,"Ciao!~," and lands on the Scientology alter flying a spaceship bought from the elusive Hangar 18.

All the guests will be completely Thetan washed. And they will give the new couple marriage advice. I'm sure Lisa Marie Presley will be the first to discuss her secrets in marriage to Jacko. That will be followed by John Travolta in drag because he has a production of "Hairspray" to do followed by kissing his copilot on the tarmac. Kirstie Alley will.......no, won't even go there. She may just promote Jenny Craig while flipping people off and give Tom some coupons seeing as how he has gained all the weight Katie has lost and has developed breasts. There is always the perfect possibility that instead of rice, post-menopausal women allowed to attend the wedding will throw Prozac at him.

But y'all (in honor of the Brit-Brit / K-Fed split), it should be an "awesome!" wedding. Wishing Katie the best and good luck! (adding that a good gig for her would be a running commercial for Nike.) Tom, can't say much for him. He's still the teeney mind controlling couch jumping crazy man. I'm sure in his head he will be fine.

Cheers to the official and legal conjoining of TOMKAT!!!!!! :unsure:

13 Comments On This Entry


I love weddings--don't you? Especially insane ones or white trash weddings.

Well, we certainly had a good time making fun of the white trash wedding I went to last month!

The wedding of TomKat. What can I say about intergalactic nuptials? Best of luck to the bride I think Katie needs all the luck she can get to maintain her sanity in that loony bin.
Now, (groom's name),
girls need clothes
And food and
Tender happiness and frills
A pan, a comb,
perhaps a cat
All caprice if you will
But still
They need them.
Do you then
Do you?


Hear well, sweet
(bride's name),
For promise binds
Young men are free
and may forget
Remind him then
That you may have
Necessities and follies, too.

more of Hubbard's matrimonial free verse here


2,876 years old in Hubbard Years

:rolleyes: Hubbard years!? :rolleyes: Do they have Hubbard inches too? Tom really needs to crack the 6ft barrier.
There is one minor plus to this, for Katie:

When she comes to her senses and leaves the freak (escapes from nutjob island), since her wedding is being performed by this wanna-be alien, I'm guessing that the Catholic church won't recognize it. So she won't have any problem getting married there when she gets married to her second husband (and we all know that going to happen - it's just a question of when).
Mood rings??
"Moooommm! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!"

>>Only in ENLTCs, for example, is the bride permitted to wear the Sacred Helmet of Domestic Bliss, a ceremonial headdress that resembles a colander.>>

Man, it's hard to tell if this guy is serious or not. I''m probably gullible, but it wouldnt' surprise me!

susancnw, on Nov 17 2006, 12:02 PM, said:

>>Only in ENLTCs, for example, is the bride permitted to wear the Sacred Helmet of Domestic Bliss, a ceremonial headdress that resembles a colander.>>

Man, it's hard to tell if this guy is serious or not. I''m probably gullible, but it wouldnt' surprise me!


He writes satire. I agree--the guy is fantastic at it. Remember the whole story about Britney Spears giving birth in Namibia? One of the writers from the PugBus started it! As satire! One news paper believed the story and didn't know it was satire. Before anyone knew it, Fox News and all the major news pages had it up as a story! :rolleyes:
Here is the story that people thought was true:

Britney Spears Going to Namibia to Give Birth

Here is the story when it surfaced:
"Biff Scuzzy, who made up the original report about Ms. Spears moving to Namibia, said he almost [crapped] himself when he saw his headline "Britney Spears Going to Namibia to Give Birth" with a China Daily byline on a popular news index site.

"I was drunk on my ass when I wrote that thing," said Mr. Scuzzy. "How could I know I was telling the truth? I would have sworn I was making that nonsense up. I guess it's true what they say about giving enough monkeys enough typewriters.""

Britney Spears Speaks Out about Namibia Trip, Again

And this is the one after it was circulated:

Namibia Gets Ready for Britney Spears' Arrival
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Be Yourself. Everyone is already taken.

http://img.photobuck.../Dsc00535-1.jpgI know when the Spirit of God is there, animals are the first ones to mellow out."If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Will Rogers, 1897-1935"The poor dog, in life the firmest friend,The first to welcome, foremost to defend,Whose honest heart is still the master's own,Who labours, fights, lives, breathes for him alone,Unhonour'd falls, unnoticed all his worth,Denied in heaven the soul he held on earth,While man, vain insect hopes to be forgiven,And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven."Lord Byron Inscription on the monument of his Newfoundland dog, 1808" He is your friend, your partner,your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He willbe yours, faithful and true, to the last beatof his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy ofsuch devotion." Unknown

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